Meet The Heroine, II: A Chef Contemplating Murder

My secondary heroine from “The Serpent and the Pearl” is usually very tough to track down–as a working girl (cook to the Borgia Pope!) she’s always on the move and on the job. But now she’s at loose ends, and consented to be interviewed!

Carmelina: Ask as many questions as you want. As long as we’re held captive here, I haven’t got anything to cook.

Me: You know how many readers accused you of ruining their diets?

Carmelina: Diet? What’s that?

Me: It’s when people swear off butter or cream or pasta.

Carmelina: Why would anybody ever do that? Swear off pasta? Pasta is delicious!

Me: Well, it’s fattening. People stop eating it so they can be thinner.

Her: Who wants to be thin? My mistress Giulia Farnese is the most renowned beauty in Rome, and she’s a solid size 14 in your sizing charts.

Me: Jesus, I wish I lived in the Renaissance.

Her: No, you don’t. I’m the best cook in Rome, and I don’t even get paid for it because I’m a woman.

Me: Fair point. So, how are you faring in captivity?

Her: Madonna Giulia has managed to keep the French from raping us all, God bless her. If she can hold them off a few more days, the Pope should have us all ransomed and home. Can’t be soon enough for me.

Me: Leonello said that you . . .

Her: That little bastard talked about me?

Me: A little. He said he knows things about you . . .

Carmelina: How dare he!

Me: Look, I’m your creator. Believe me, I already know all your secrets. What people really want to know is this–are you really planning to poison Leonello before he outs you? Because you were looking pretty determined . . .

Ok, Carmelina just stomped out. Looks like you’ll have to wait till tomorrow to see if she put hemlock in our hero’s wine or not!

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